I feel an impulse to bring the „great intimacy courses“ that I have attended over the years to greater depth and more holistic completion. Lately I am often experiencing tensions instead of inspiration when i read about intimacy coachings. They dont appear whole and free to me anymore. I was irritated why is that so? Am I in any way reactive from a smaller part? But it felt the opposite way, like more expanded. The intimacy teachers often talk about changing in order to be capable of new forms of love. We all change. I used to change a lot of things about myself. My partners like my partner for a decade who I did serious couples work with did the same. We changed our appearance, he grew a beard, we changed the way we speak. We changed our habits and where we lived and even how we lived. he changed how he eats to vegetarian and then even vegan. We both made a lot of changes during our ten years, also supported by couples counseling, and change is generally positive. I assume it was often positive change as we meditated a lot and reflected, because of course we can make negative change. And I saw that in a lot of dates after they divorced. But really I’m talking about positive changes.
A lot of people make changes. My mom changed where she lived. So we make effort to change aspects of ourselves and that’s a very positive thing. I found ways and I found teachers like Craig Hamilton or Catherine Woodward Thomas who can really help me, because change is not easy. We’re creatures of habit, so our way of being is full of all kinds of habits that have a lot of momentum behind them. Like any habit, like doing drugs, smoking cigarettes or random mass dating from consumerism. Or whatever the habit is, it’s got momentum so it perpetuates itself. Took me long to stop dating. 5000 Online dates. So in order to change, it takes effort, a conscious and sustained effort, and it’s amazing what I can do with that kind of effort.
Now I am no longer inspired by this kind of thing, nor by dating teachers who offer that approach of change. I am attracted by transformation, and I experience this to be radically different. I am not speaking about something we can do. That’s what intimacy teachers teach, cook for two even when you are alone so you call in your soulmate. I am not speaking about changing some aspects of myself. Or when the teachers recommend radiant online pictures for your profile. I am talking about becoming a different person. And that’s not something you can do, because the person you are can’t make conscious effort to become someone else. It doesn’t work. The person who you are can make positive effort to change aspects of themselves, and in that sense they’ll be the same person with different qualities, new qualities, and that’s wonderful, but this is transformation is something else for me. And it is not taught by intimacy coaches as far as I know.
Transformation means I surrender to a process that fundamentally transforms who I am, how I see myself. I don’t recognize myself as the same person. You can’t transform through an act of will or through effort in an calling in the one class. I saw myself transform through surrender.
Daniela Pieper – CoachMilf NoFap- „NoFap-Sprechstunde/ „Viele NoFap-Coaches reden nur über ‘nicht wichsen’. 